Saturday, July 25, 2026

Unicorn Dogs - Closer To Death


Two years ago, Unicorn Dogs released Age Typical Junk Behavior, one of the best pop-punk debut albums of whatever you want to call this nightmare of an era we're currently attempting to survive. It was a debut that was going to be almost impossible to top. I say almost because here we are on the 25th of July in the year 2026, and Closer To Death (brought into the world by those twin institutions of musical excellence, Jolly Ronnie Records and Mom's Basement Records) has indeed topped its mighty predecessor. If Age Typical Junk Behavior was the album that solidified modern-day pop-punk as the soundtrack to everyone's midlife crisis, Closer To Death takes things to the logical next level. It's an album about how much it sucks to get old — especially in a bizarro world where the robots are taking over and 2 + 2 can equal 5 depending on whom you vote for. If you're looking for a record that will make you optimistic about the world or offer lighthearted escapist entertainment, this is most certainly not it. But if you want to pump your fist in the air and shout along at the top of your lungs to impassioned, anthemic pop-punk songs that will feed the fire of righteous indignation raging inside you, this record is not to be missed. 

What makes great pop-punk great pop-punk? There are a lot of ways to answer that question, but there's something about simple, two-minute-ish songs with punchy guitars and earworm hooks that I never, ever tire of. I could live to be a thousand years old and hear records in a thousand different genres, and I'd still steadfastly maintain that the Ramones were every bit as important as Beethoven. Of course the caveat is that the style has to be done well, and that's the main thing Lucas and Jon bring to the table. They're not trying to be original or innovative. But they're just so freaking good at writing simple pop-punk songs. They play a tried-and-true style of music, but they make it current and fresh by writing about things that matter to them. If you could measure the passion and urgency that goes into music, these guys would be a ten out of ten every time. 

And so here we have Closer To Death, and as usual, the songs rip hard and really have something to say. If you're going to write songs about living out your miserable decline in a word where everything sucks, you better have a sense of humor about it. And that's the magic of Unicorn Dogs. They can be (and often are) quite serious a lot of the time, but they also know how to make an art form out of self-deprecating humor. A lyric like "More than half my life is over with/Not sure I made the most of it/I don't have a bucket list/Just a lot of things I wanna quit" makes me laugh so hard precisely because it speaks a truth I can relate to. These guys aren't playing the brand of pop-punk where middle-aged men pretend they're still teenagers. They're playing the brand of pop-punk where middle-aged men begin reckoning with the sneakily rapid of encroachment of Father Time. If you relate to that description, this record has got plenty for you to chew on. Here we have anthems for people who have managed to get older without getting wiser and who feel like time has made them worse versions of themselves. This band writes profoundly about failure, regret, and just being plain tired of being beaten down by life. That's really heavy stuff, but it's also honest and real. The social commentary side of Unicorn Dogs ("Hallucination Free," "One Disaster Away," "Replaceable") is perhaps an even more bitter pill to swallow, but again, it's not like these guys are wrong about anything. There's even a hint of optimism in "Fix Your Heart Or Die" ("We don't fight because we'll win/We fight because there are things worth fighting for/And we gotta try"). The song is a reminder of why protest music (and protest in general) are so vital in this moment. And at a time when simply being a kind, empathetic human is an act of rebellion, Unicorn Dogs are here to show us the way. 

In spite of its title, Closer To Death is by no means a bummer of a record. Lucas and Jon (joined by Jon's son Oliver, who kills it on drums) might write from the perspective of disillusioned, over-the-hill folk who feel like life has passed them by. But the truth is that as musicians and songwriters, they've never been better than they are right now. You don't get the backing of two of the best pop-punk record labels ever by accident. Closer To Death is the best record they've ever made. It's packed with smart, super-catchy punk songs that mix their candidly dark musings with an undeniably upbeat energy. If these lyrics were about dominating in pickleball, cooking the perfect lentil soup, and the thrill of stargazing, this would still be quality pop-punk. But it wouldn't quite hit the same, would it? If you take these songs too seriously, it's like spending 27 minutes with Debbie Downer. But I don't listen to these songs and hear complete resignation. Amidst all that frustration, disappointment, and self-effacing humor, I hear a fighting spirit that won't stop pushing. I still don't feel my age, but the cold, hard math of me being as close to 70 as I am far from 40 really fucks me up sometimes. A little more urgency in my life would not be a bad idea. We're all getting a little closer to death every day. But that leads to an obvious question: What are we gonna do about it?

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