Party Hardly

A peculiar and little-known fact about me: I don't like to party. Seriously. I hate parties. I am not comfortable in any social situation that involves more than four people. I don't think I've enjoyed any party I've ever been to in my entire life. Basically a party is just a bunch of people you don't want to talk to behaving in such ways that completely justify why you don't want to talk to them. Plus the beer is terrible and the music almost always sucks. Unless your names are Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan, you can't get away with using the word "party" in your everyday vernacular without sounding like a complete douche bag.

If I hate anything more than parties, it's songs about parties. That shit makes my blood boil. Every time I see the Bud Light "Don't Stop the Party" Pitbull commercial, I consider throwing something heavy through the TV screen (and not just because the Flyers are usually losing at the time). There is no greater musical atrocity known to man than the calculated "party anthem". It's the worst kind of pandering. It's a cheap ploy to win over the masses by appealing to their lowest common denominator. If I could wipe just one song away from the annals of recorded music, it would be "Party Rock Anthem". If you're giving me two more, let's get rid of "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)" and Pink's "Get The Party Started". I have no objection to songs that became party anthems through no fault of their creators - like say, "Louie Louie" or "Blister In the Sun". Hell, even "YMCA" is okay by me. But any "artist" who intentionally writes a song about partying should be publicly beaten. Some bands, like the Black Eyed Peas, have made entire careers out of this sort of nonsense. It would be a tremendous public service if that group's entire recorded output were forever obliterated by an electromagnetic pulse (except for perhaps "My Humps", which I will certainly recognize as an artistic achievement of the highest order).

What about party anthems recorded by credible artists - like "Ain't Nothin' But a Houseparty" by the J. Geils Band? I can't stand that one either. "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang? I have loathed that song since I was nine years old. I'm okay with Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" - primarily because the song is essentially a cautionary tale on the destruction that excessive partying can inflict upon a relationship. The awesome "Partied Out" by Kurt Baker similarly laments the negative effects of partying. The closest I'll come to liking a true party anthem is "1999" by Prince. But its apocalyptic sub-text clearly makes it an exception.

Your mission, dear reader, is to think of a party anthem that I can't possibly denounce. There's got to be at least one, right? Surely I'm overlooking or forgetting a party anthem that's completely unassailable. Does "Dancing in the Streets" count? I do like that one. How about another one? What do you think? I prevail upon your expertise!

-L.R.